By: Paula Cody, MD, MPH, FAAP
A relationship is a social connection we share with others. Our relationships can include friends, family, dating partners, classmates, teammates and more. Relationships of any type can occur on a spectrum, from healthy to unhealthy to abusive. Knowing how to recognize healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationships is an important skill.
Signs of a healthy relationship: key traits
What words come to mind when you think of healthy relationships?
Respect: You recognize each other's values and accept each other's boundaries.
Communication & compromise: This includes both talking and listening. You should be able to tell the other person your ideas and boundaries (and vice versa). If you do have a disagreement—and it's OK to disagree—you both get to say what you want, talk until you're both happy, and then go enjoy what you've planned.
Honesty & trust: feeling comfortable sharing your thoughts and dreams without worrying that your secrets will be shared with other people.
Equality: No one has more power in the relationship than the other.
Individuality: You should be able to maintain your own interests, friends, etc. without having to change them for the other person.
Safety. Feeling fear in a relationship is never OK.
Relationship challenges & growth
Relationships are supposed to make both people feel happy (at least most of the time). People should feel good about what happens when they are together. But every relationship, like all areas of life, can have ups and downs.
These fluctuations are a natural part of the journey. They can provide a chance for growth, reflection and strengthening the relationship. During challenging times, it's especially important for the people in the relationship to show the traits above.
4 tips to make your relationship healthy
1. Respect each other
Show you really care by sharing your thoughts and feelings. Listen to what the other person has to say.
2. Ask about the other person's interests
Talk about sports, music or movies—whatever helps you get past any awkward feelings and get to know each other better.
3. Have a life outside the relationship
People are more attractive to each other if they have other interests. Keep up with your schoolwork, friends and the activities you enjoy that do not involve your partner.
4. Resolve disagreements with love & respect
People don't always have to agree on movies, music, or favorite sports or even on how often to call or see each other. It is only natural for people to disagree. The important thing is how you reach an agreement. With a good attitude, you can have a healthy disagreement.
Signs of an unhealthy relationship: red flags
Defining an unhealthy relationship can be difficult. Feelings of fear, stress and sadness are not part of a healthy relationship. Obviously, any sort of violence is not acceptable.
But other forms of unhealthy relationships may not be as obvious. Sometimes things that feel like a normal relationship (like talking to your partner every day) can quickly lead to something harmful (your partner texts you every hour and gets upset if you don't respond immediately).
Another example would be having your partner buy an item of clothing for you (healthy) for you versus telling you what you should or should not wear (unhealthy). Or your partner wanting to hang out with you (healthy) versus not letting you hang out with your other friends or family (unhealthy). More to consider:
Lack of respect
You "go along" with something even if you think it is not right. You feel bad about what happens when you are together.
Private thoughts or acts shared without your consent
Sharing your private thoughts, moments or texts without asking you first. You deserve to feel safe and respected, and that includes respecting your privacy.
Being held back
Your partner does not let you
succeed in school, or makes you feel guilty about doing things that interest you.
Controlling behavior
You may hear, "If you love me, I need to know where you are." Your partner does not care about your friends. Your partner does not view you as an equal.
Feeling "crazy in love"
One or both of you calls the other all the time. You feel your partner is possessive and smothering.
Getting blamed for your partner's problems
You hear, "This is all your fault," or "Look what you made me do."
Feeling jealous most of the time
A little bit of jealousy is normal. A lot of jealousy, or allowing jealousy to control what goes on between the two of you, will hurt the relationship.
Trying to change the other person's behavior
One of you tells the other, "My way or no way." Obedience is not respect.
When you can talk about a problem, an unhealthy relationship can become a healthy one. But, if you can't find ways to enjoy the time that you spend together, it may mean that it is time to end the relationship.
Crossing the line: signs of an abusive relationship
There are some things that should never happen in a relationship. Your relationship has serious problems if any of the following things are happening.
Verbal abuse
Screaming, swearing, bullying or calling each other names. This is never all right.
Pushing, shoving, hitting or kicking in anger
Physical violence—like hitting, slapping, pushing or kicking. Even if it happens only once, it's a serious warning sign. Physical abuse can start small and get worse over time. No one deserves to be hurt, and violence is never a way to solve problems
Trying to control the other person's behavior
Controlling behavior can include telling you who you can or can't talk to; checking your phone or social media without permission; deciding what you wear, or trying to control where you go. These actions are about power, not love. Healthy relationships are built on trust and respect—not control.
Not heeding your right to refuse attention or affection, which you always have. This remains true EVEN if you have engaged in that behavior before, or if you change your mind partway through.
Threats
If one of you does not get your way, a threat is made to hurt either the other person or yourself.
Breaking or hitting objects during an argument
This shows a loss of control and a desire to scare or intimidate the other person—even if they’re not physically hurt.
How to end an abusive relationship safetly
If your relationship is crossing the line, the behavior needs to stop right away, or the relationship needs to end.
If you are having trouble ending a relationship, seek the help of a trusted adult who cares about your well-being. Then, you can use what you have learned to help make your next relationship better.
More information
About Dr. Cody
 Paula Cody, MD, MPH, FAAP, is a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics Council on Adolescents and Young Adults. She is an Associate Professor of Pediatrics and the Medical Director and Section Head of Adolescent Medicine at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health.
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